Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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