omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
