dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
