he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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