Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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