I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My life is pants optional.
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