The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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