Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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