It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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