I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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