Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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