when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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