he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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