I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
the raccoons are back...
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