I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
