We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
