Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
