Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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