End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
