I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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