Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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