The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
