I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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