I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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