you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
