You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
