Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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