DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
