Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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