After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
