i need an iv and a liver transplant
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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