I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
