Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
