ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
