You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
