I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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