I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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