Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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