He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
