I wish I could teleport
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
