Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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