Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
