My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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