the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
