pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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