Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
