We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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