my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
