oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
