M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
