Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
